It’s Wednesday, October 14, 2020.

I wake up. 

Feel really good. 

Go out to the kitchen.

Step on some gross floor stuff. 

Get my water and my coffee. 

Sit down to meditate.

Hear the dog barking through my meditation.

Husband asks what’s on the carpet. (this question gives me hives)

Doesn’t smell like pee- he says.

Get some paper towel. Blot it up- I say.

I’ll get some paper towel- I say.

There’s no paper towel upstairs. Why doesn’t anyone replenish anything?

Husband tells me not to be mad. ( Yeah, that makes me less angry.)

Go get the paper towel. Nope. Not pee.

Throw out the wet-with-something-paper-towel. Step on gross floor stuff. 

Why am I the only one that cleans this house? I’m too busy to clean this house. 

Why are there dishes in the sink? Am I the only one who can do a dish? 

Kiss husband goodbye. Yeah, yeah have a good day.

Get ready for my morning walk. 

Try to get outside, in the snow, without letting the cat out because she’ll follow me down the street and require me to entice her to scoop her up and carry her back to the house. Annoying.

Do the quick exit, catch my ear phones on the door knob, phone goes flying, close the door on the dog. 

Why does shit always happen to me???

That’s how it happens. The onslaught of victimhood that can set the stage for your day. 

I’ve spent a lot of my life continuing the above internal dialogue throughout my day. Sometimes I still do. I know a lot of people who do the same.

How are you? Well, things are just so hard. (there was gross floor stuff in the kitchen and it ruined my whole day)

And guess what? Things end up being just so hard. 

We spend a lot of time allowing external experiences and situations to determine our internal space which is a pretty good predictor of our external space.  

As I walked this morning (the tool I use to STOP the train to victimhood), I thought about how often I’ve allowed myself to spiral into playing the victim. The weather, the responsibilities, the events of the day, week, month, year dictating how I feel on the inside. Which inevitably forms what I experience and unfortunately, how I act,  on the outside. I have some ideas about how this happens but to put it bluntly the more that I focus on shit the more shit comes forth. 

Just think good thoughts and things will change- no, no time for bypassing here.  I have to do some work to get around what I’ve let take root. I can’t just think good things and thoughts to make the bad things/thoughts go away- I can’t do that. I have to stop and reframe them or take them apart at least. This morning I had to physically stop walking and say to myself- what the f*ck has got you all up in a tizzy? What started this off? Is there a pattern? (Because sometimes it’s hormones) Is this a learned behavior? Where did you pick this up? You wanna keep being mad today? Sometimes I do, and I respect that, and remove myself from all human contact. I don’t need to spray you with my garbage. 

Sometimes it IS much bigger than wet stuff on the carpet and no paper towel to blot. Sometimes it’s much worse than that. The practice is the same however. 

  1. Move the body. Feelings aren’t just floaters. They’re biochemical. And neurological. Moving the body moves the reactions.
  2. Come on. Take some responsibility. It’s not the thing outside you that pissed you off. It’s your reaction. You are responsible for how you react. That’s ALLLLLL you.
  3. Breathe. Because breath slows things down and alleviates flight or fight. 
  4. Write it out. Happening right here and right now. This is the part that allows me to process and change my patterns, behaviours and beliefs.

UURRRCCCHHHHH!

Edited to add:

And ‘the’ day did not end. The Universe needed to make SURE that I understood the importance of not taking things personally, maintaining my sense of humor and getting over my damn self. 

The details are not important. What IS important instead is to realize and acknowledge that there is no one out to get us, we are not being punished and to not take ourselves so seriously. 

Still. Move your body. Take responsibility. Breathe. And write or story tell or find a way that allows you to process and acknowledge the above. And maybe laugh or cry. Those are good emotional releases too.

PS Today has been much less lesson learn-y. Thank God!