I guess I knew it was coming on. I was irritated and annoyed. Not by anything in particular. I just felt like being crabby. It’s unfortunate for those around me though.
Nothing specific put me into this bitchy state. At least none that I’m aware of. Yes, the dog took off in the woods and it took 2 hours before we found her. Yes, the end of the lake weekend was upon us. Yes, it was an evening of unpacking. Yes, I got my period for the first time in a couple months. So maybe? But I’m sick of blaming my moods or feelings on something. Why can’t I own being crabby AF as easily as being happy or joyful? Why do I feel like I’m a bad person if I’m in a less than shiny mood?
Because, Allison, we’ve been conditioned to believe that we need to be happy all the time. Ladies should shine. I had the nickname ‘Smiley’ as a kid. There’s a lot of pressure behind that label. There’s days when I want to kick something just to hear it scream and feel satisfied in my grouchyness. I’m using the theory that you can’t appreciate the light without the dark here. I know that’s a stretch. But it feels appropriate.
So I went for a walk. It’s supposed to make you feel better right? Slightly. I felt slightly better. I listened to music. Music is good for the soul right? It makes you feel better. Slightly. I felt slightly better. I could Pollyanna this shit and say that slightly is an improvement and that is feeling better. But I don’t want to. I just want to feel cranky.
In allowing myself to feel all the feels, even the dark nasty thoughts on fire, I’m getting to be okay with being not okay today. But it still keeps irritating me that I feel I have to get to someplace ‘better’ feeling when I just want to be a crab.
The science of what’s probably going on here is that my body is navigating a hormonal storm. The drop in estrogen as a result of the start of menstruation can affect the way the body manages serotonin and nor-epinephrine. The very things that make me my usual little ray of sunshine. Those low levels can also be responsible for the forgetfulness, fatigue and anxiety I’m bathing in today. There could be a legitimate physical reason for my wrath.
I’d love to have a glass of wine to calm my woes and my tits….but I can’t drink it anymore because it gives me night sweats which on top of this feeling of anger would definitely not be helpful. In fact, as we make our way through menopausal transition, this ‘thing’ every woman will at some point in her life experience, the coping skills we have are extremely important. Your lifestyle practices can be the difference between getting through this unscathed or with some bad ass battle scars. So I’ve chosen to be okay with being a first rate cow today and to write about it because it feels somewhat humorous when I actually write it down. And writing is a way I’ve found to boost my mood when I’m not exactly my jolly old self.
I write this so that you too are okay with having days that you’re off. Whether it’s your hormone fluctuations or something else. We’ve been navigating uncharted waters for the last few months, too. So cut yourself some slack. And if you too are in this ‘season of your life’ or ‘the change’ or ‘the pause’ know that it’s okay to want to rip someones head off now and then. Don’t do it, though. Look for and develop a practice that won’t send you to jail.
There I actually do feel better.
If you’re struggling with this time in your life, reach out. My background is as a personal trainer and nutrition consultant as well as being a certified life coach. If I ever needed that kind of knowledge in my life it’s now as I find myself heading through this menopausal transition.
If you’d like a look into some great lifestyle practices that can help you every day not just the crabby ones, click on the button below to get my Aging Backwards: 5 Things Every Woman Should Know