I never had body image issues as a kid. My body issues came after.
I had my kids when I was really young and like so many other moms, when the years of baby carrying were done, I needed my body back.
So much so that I decided to make it my job.
I became a personal trainer and I opened a fitness facility. Then it started. I was teaching multiple classes a day and participating in them as well. I was coaching clients and doing their workouts along side them. I was leading run groups and running with the participants. I was doing my own training on the side.
“It’s so refreshing to see a facility owner that walks the walk”- I was told.
People looked in my grocery cart at the grocery store.
People watched what I ordered when I went out to eat.
My physical body was having a hard time keeping up. And I was obsessed.
It was a 20 second kiss at 20 miles into a marathon, celebrating 20 years of marriage with my husband when this picture was taken.
So romantic. So sexy. Right?
But I love this picture for all of the reasons you can’t see.
You can’t see the heel spurs and exercise induced hemorrhoids I was suffering. You can’t see that being a size 2 didn’t make me happy. You can’t see that I’m exhausted. You can’t see that I had just begged the race volunteer to drive me back to the finish line. You can’t see that I had been pinching my belly telling myself that I needed to tighten up the diet to run faster. You can’t see that my relationship was suffering. You can’t see that I spent 5 days in the hospital for gut issues. You couldn’t see it because I was focused on making my outside perfect so that you wouldn’t know what a shit show my life was!
I just wanted to feel good. I KNEW that to have pleasure in my body would mean that I had pleasure in other areas of my life.
You see, your body is a barometer for what goes on outside of it. You filter experiences through your physical vessel. When your body is clear, you have a clear experience of what’s going on outside of you.
What was it going to take to bring me pleasure? What I’d been doing wasn’t cutting it.