I got a little irritated today. By my own realizations.

It happens sometimes.

By now you may have become aware that I feel like I’m struggling on this journey of perimenopause.

One thing I haven’t discussed yet is the feeling of rage I get over the ageism that women in their 40’s start to experience.

Okay. Maybe it’s just me that rages.(I know it’s not but if you still feel too lady like to get angry, I’ll do it for both of us)

I’ve been feeling invisible. Not seen. Not represented. Not acknowledged.

(pssst my worth may have been tied up in my body’s appearance for too f%cking long)

I broke up with the fitness industry. I’ve created my own plan to wellness and health. Because I began to feel like the plans, classes, methods that I was seeing in the space had no space for a body that was aging. Or that just didn’t want to do all that stuff that seems wild and crazy. Burpees for one. Puking after a class for two. Trying to make my body smaller rather than stronger for three. Let’s move three to one.

Here’s the thing! There are so many amazing aging bodies. In fact every aging body is an amazing body but everything I lay eyes on wants me to build the body of a 20 year old. Or be in the body of a 20 year old. In fact….all the hiking I did this year, even I said the words- BUILDING THE ASS OF A 16 YEAR OLD. I said it. Because I’ve been conditioned to believe that younger is better. That shit just flies out of our mouths Ladies! And words are powerful. If you say it enough you begin to believe it. SO WATCH WHAT YOU SAY! (Envision your mother shaking her finger)

Sweet LORD don’t let me go back to 16. Don’t let me go back to any age younger than what I am today. But do let me garner the strength to fight the idea that somehow my younger body is more desirable than my current one with all of its experience and growth.

Listen- I have no idea why I feel the need to say this out loud- if you’re into body sculpting and training and creating- power to you. If it makes you feel powerful and empowered- it’s right for you. If you’re doing it because lord almighty the world frowns upon body’s that don’t defy gravity, again, you do you, but I’m over that shit.

I hiked 2 mountain peaks this weekend. Difficult hikes. With my 46 year old body that is struggling hard with the transition it’s going through. I did tell one of my hiking partners that I was building the ass of a 16 year old, and now I wish I had taken it back.

I’m building the ass of a 46 year old that just wants the tuckus muscles to haul her up this mountain and back down again and a bunch more over the course of the next years. And I’m trying to not give a flying monkey butt about size and shape but rather grace and ease. You in?