And what an most excellent relief it was! I could feel the little demon leave my body with about my 5th sip of relaxing tea after peeling off my bra and donning my jammers.
This month was a rough ride for my hormones. I could feel myself getting wildly enraged around about last Sunday. I mean I could really feel a Dr Jekyll Mr Hyde vibe coming on. It was the full moon too and it’s eclipse season. I slept crap on Sunday and spent my in betweens on Monday writing in my journal all the things I wanted to say out loud but thought better of. I’m learning.
I ran into a powerful soul on my morning walk yesterday with whom I cried and said I wanted to kick something and she gave me permission to feel like the Evil Witch I was feeling because it’s important to feel the entire spectrum of feels. I think that’s actually part of the reason we cycle, good friends. To release the shit storms that come throughout the month and settle in our physical bodies. But in this current culture we tend and are encouraged to suppress both the actual act of menstruation and then the feelings that coinicide.
Anxiety. Anger/Rage. Depression. Apathy. Hatred. Self Loathing. Comparison. Obligation. Exhaustion. Brain Fog. Lack of Motivation.
I cycled through these emotions for 4 days.
And I felt bad. For feeling so- fucking ornery.
But it wasn’t until I just owned the fact that I was acting a miserable cow with no ‘reason’ (except hormones) to be so and yet realizing that there was also no reason to rationalize or to change it but instead to just do what I wanted to do which was to have a bath, put on my pyjamas, sans bra and drink tea and ride this shit out. Then that dark being in my body just up and left.
What you resist persists.
We spend a lot of time resisting emotion because for most of us we were taught to avoid it. Especially those dark uncomfortable ones. The fun cheery ones should be spread around like lemon drops but those dark ones aren’t lady like and should be avoided like the plague (probably one of the reasons currently mine are so very dark)
Peri menopause is like going through puberty again. I used to call it a reverse puberty but I think it’s just another version of it. There’s nothing to reverse. There is an insistent need to press forward even though you want to put on the breaks.
Anyway, I’m pretty happy the exorcism went as smashingly as it did. I’ll be prepared with my altar for next month.